1.If you brought food and or drink and it doesn’t get eaten or drank, take it home with you. I don’t want your leftovers. I don’t need it, and if I ate or drank everything everyone left behind, I’d be fatter than I already am. If you do leave food, I’ll save it for the next time you come. Hurry back!

2.  Don’t leave your cans and bottles behind. First of all, I don’t need the money. Second of all, it’s a pain in the butt to take that stuff to the grocery store and stand behind the college kids that each have 50 cans ($5.00 limit on returns). And last of all, if the local store doesn’t sell your brand, they won’t take it, and I will embarrass myself walking out of the store with it.

3.If you leave a hat, clothing, etc., I’ll save it for you and you can get it the next time you come. I don’t deliver. Delivery services are available at www.ups.com.

4.  No glass bottles, glasses, coffee cups or anything else breakable on the beach, dock or boat. I know you’ll pick up all the glass when (not if, but when) you break it, but there’s a 95% chance I’ll find the last piece in my foot the next day.

5.  No eating or smoking on the boat. I don’t want to clean up your messes and I don’t like the looks of burn holes on the pontoon seats/carpet. I’m busy enough driving the boat and I don’t have time to catch your glowing ashes before they get to the gas tank. If you don’t think you can go an hour without eating or smoking, counselors are available at Barry County Mental Health Services.

6.  You may be the best barbeque chef around, but show me at your house. Don’t turn my meat, don’t tell me how you would do it, and don’t keep opening the lid of the grill to see how things are coming. It just lets the heat out and takes longer to cook. If you don’t like the way I cook, feed it to the neighbor’s dog (her name is Jasmine), and stop at McDonalds on the way home.

7.  If you have too much to drink, please do not drive yourself home. You are welcome to stay, but not in my bed. I love you too man, but not in that way.

8.  Pursuant to number 7 above, vomiting on the premises is subject to a $25.00 gross out fee. Cleaning materials are under the kitchen counter and there’s laundry soap in the cupboard above the washing machine. Retching with your head in the toilet while I’m trying to sleep is also subject to a $25.00 surcharge over and above the gross out fee.

9.  You are welcome to help clean the kitchen and put things in the dishwasher. However, please don’t help me by putting things away. It usually takes me a couple of days to find the weird places other people put things. If I can’t find it by the third day, I have to buy a replacement and I’m on a fixed income.

Infractions of the above rules are subject to a $5.00 fee per infraction (plus the fees described in rule 8 above). All fees are donated to the YMCA of Barry County.